My thoughts on love

I've been promised so many things in my life and got nothing till this day. Every man comes with a list of promises and no intention of keeping them. It's sad that I can't believe a word that comes out of any mans mouth. Everything sounds like lies and games to me. Because every time I let my guard down and let myself believe in what is said to me, it only ends up being all lies and games. Is my life really supposed to be this way? Where nothing is real. Everything is just a game... Hurt you before you hurt me... Leave you before you leave me... Be the last to catch feelings... Let you chase me, and me not chase in return? I thought this "love" thing would get easier as I got older but the older I get, the less I believe in it. I'm really beginning to think that real love, just doesn't exist anymore. That love I once believed in and hoped to feel one day, is nothing more than a childish fantasy. It saddens me to come to that realization. The one is never the one. When the relationship with the one ends, you find another "the one". There are no soul mates, just happenstance. There is no endless love because love isn't real, and this new thing they call love, doesn't last long. People don't fall in love anymore they just end up in situations that are good til they're not so good and then they part ways. No one stays together to fight for anything anymore. It's so much easier to give up and walk away, move on and bring the same shit into something new. No one wants to stay with one person and work on problems, just pack up whatever issues you came with and start something new with someone new, until those same old issues start to show they're face. Then repeat the cycle all over again. Love is a thing of the past. Our grandparents were the last generation of true lovers. It all went down hill from there, breakups and divorce is the new thing. So staying and fighting, and working things thru is not even an option. Cold hearts, shut down feelings, and selfish minds are the new way to be. Everyone is too out for themselves and prideful, too busy protecting their feelings instead of projecting them. Too busy loving themselves more than they love the person they supposedly love. 

I can't put my belief into finding something that just doesn't exist anymore. Love is dead. And I'm done hoping for it. 

"New year, New me..." Ehh.

 

While that "New year, new me" ish gets tired & old... I've made a list of things I need to change moving forward in life period, not just into a new year. While being an introvert and struggling with depression will make these really hard to do at times... I know I need to train my thoughts, which can change my actions. 

**** I'm posting it for accountability.****

1- Live more in the moment, and less in my head. I catch myself doing this way too much. I have a tendency to analyze, re-analyze, and overanalyze, then go back and analyze my overanalyzing of my analysis (lol) of every damn thing I do, say and think. Sometimes it's just really not that serious!

2- Stop handing out Fs. With my natural hair journey I've been, in a sense, liberated... and have cared a lot less about others' opinions of me. And while I've always kinda walked to the beat of my own one man band... there are these moments where occasionally I catch myself giving a few Fs, especially when I absolutely shouldn't. It's human nature to care how you make people feel, but if they're intent on feeling a way about you for no reason, no matter what... That's when it becomes their own personal problem. 

Says a lot about you if you're not feeling me. *shrugs

3- Be happy. My happiness isn't contingent on someone else's. I should do things I love, not what I think will appease to someone else's skewed view of me. If they don't like it... Too damn bad. 

4- Love freely and wholly. I tend to build a barrier that prevents me from doing so. while it's good to safeguard my heart from undeserving D-bags and A-holes... It's not ok to sabotage, and push away the good. I've done that a few too many times. 

5- Be less critical... Of myself. My toughest critic is me. And the one I'm most critical of... Is me. I know all my flaws and I find myself reminding myself of them whenever I get the chance. If I don't like it, change it. If it can't be changed, then I need to embrace it... And that critic in my head needs to have some seats and shut the hell up. Bound and gagged. 

6- Ditch the unsupportive people in my life. I have enough negativity bouncing around in my own head... I only need supportive people in my corner, not people routing for me in my face, but betting against me behind my back... Those mf's can all kick bricks with socks on. RS

7- Be less negative. In my practice of being a "realist", I've noticed that I'm a lot less optimistic than I should be. "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist" ...things pessimists say. I have to admit my view is more pessimistic than it is real. I start everything with the expectation of failure, "falling doesn't hurt so bad when you're prepared to catch yourself and break the fall." But how can you enjoy the ride if you're so busy waiting... Pretty much planning the fall?

8- Stop dimming my light so that others can feel like they shine brighter. In my natural sense of being humble, I allow myself to shrink back in situations so that others can feel better about themselves. A lot of times in me doing that, that same person mistakes my humility for a lack of confidence and thinks (or pretends to think) they're better than me. Nah son. I'm learning I need to cut that ish out. I know I'm a baddie... (And I don't need confirmation, affirmation or permission to feel that way) I just don't feel like I need to proclaim it, but I'm definitely owning it, and imma start flaunting it. 

9- Work to completion on everything I've been planning on doing. Some are just ideas... Good ideas. Others I've started, but let my negative thoughts convince me to not finish. 

10- GET BACK TO BEING ME.