Thursday, July 18, 2013

Sleepless in NY: diary of a mad, black, insomniac

I have no peace of mind because my mind is never at peace.

 Its always racing, running, wandering to where it should not be.  Can't sleep at night because it never turns off, never shuts down, never eases up. Thoughts of what should be, could be, and would be fly thru my brain on a non stop loop. From one thought to another with out a break. Like a flight non stop with no stop over from New York to Japan straight away and back again with out even landing. 

No sleep, no rest, I'm always tired because my thoughts of yesterday's yesterdays haunt me... taunt me. And the thoughts erupt emotions I thought were buried long ago, but they rise like a resurrection; fresh and new like it just happened. 

All I want to do is sleep, fall at a sufficient time and rise at a decent one. But with the sleeplessness playing on my thoughts, dreams, feelings and emotions, I feel I could just fall asleep forever and never wake up. 

The sadness consumes me in the darkness of my room and the feeling of lonesome ness and helplessness spins me around in a dance I'd rather sit out. Swaying me, turning, twisting and dipping me relentlessly, all to the extended version of a  song that I can't stand. 

I just wanna sleep, close my eyes, mind on mute... Better yet turned off. 

I can't help but wonder if I'll ever get that sleep in my lifetime. Or will I have to wait the rest of my life, for the rest of my life; when it all finally fades to black... Sounds fade to a comforting mute... And I feel nothing at all. Now that sounds peaceful... Peace in mind... Mind at peace... Peaceful rest... Resting in peace.