BEHIND CLOSED, LOCKED DOORS; IN BED SHE OFFICIALLY SLIPS OUT OF
EXISTANCE. SPIRITS SHOT, HOPES DEAD. SHE USE TO DREAM OF BEING NOTICED,
BUT OFTEN PRAYED TO BE GONE.
NO ONE REALLY KNEW THE TROUBLE SHE WAS IN UNTIL NOW - A VERY PRIVATE
PERSON, FORCED INTO SECLUSION. SHE WAS RIDDLED WITH HOPES OF BEING DEAD
FOR A WHILE NOW, FANTASIES OF HOW HER DEATH WOULD TAKE PLACE. "HOW
WILL IT FEEL?" "WILL IT BE INSTANT?" "WHAT WILL MY FINAL
THOUGHTS BE?" "WILL THEY MISS ME WHEN I'M FINALLY GONE?" THE
SERENE FEELING OF STILL PEACEFULNESS BLANKETS AND COMFORTS HER AT THE
MERE THOUGHT.
SOMETIMES IT MADE HER SMILE TO THINK OF FINALLY BEING AT PEACE- TO FALL
ASLEEP AND REST FOR GOOD. THE IDEA BROUGHT JOY TO HER HEART. OTHER TIMES
IT WOULD MAKE HER CRY TO THINK OF HOW OTHERS WOULD REACT TO THE NEWS OF
HER UNTIMELY DEMISE; THOUGHTS THAT WERE QUICKLY DISMISSED BY THE FACT:
"NO ONE WILL MISS ME."
TORTURED WITH FEELINGS OF UNWORTHINESS AND WORTHLESSNESS, SHE
COULDN''T FATHOM ANYONE MISSING HER IN THE LEAST BIT WITHOUT
LAUGHING AT THE THOUGHT. ANYTHING SHE WANTED, HOPED FOR, LOVED, OR
REACHED OUT FOR; FAILED, DIED, OR LEFT. UNEQIPPED WITH THE ABILITY TO
DEAL WITH THAT, HER ONLY REAL SOLUTION WAS TO STOP HOPING, LOVING, AND
REACHING.
NEVER BEING SEEN FOR WHO AND WHAT SHE WAS, GIVEN UP ON WANTING TO BE
HEARD. NEVER GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TO REACH HER FULL POTENTIAL. LIVING A
LIFE IN PERMANENT INVISIBILITY DIDN'T SEEM FAIR TO HER. HELL, WHAT
KINDA LIFE IS THAT ANYWAY? CONSTANT SADNESS PLAGUED HER, AND INDEFINITE
DARKNESS CLOAKED HER. HER SADNESS SOON MORPHED INTO ANGER AND RAGE,
WHICH INTURN SPROUTED INTO RESENTMENT.
WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO, AND LACKING AN UNDERSTANDING OF HER OWN; SHE
BEGAN TO THINK SHE WAS CRAZY AND WAS AFRAID OF THAT LABEL. SHE REPRESSED
ALL OF HER FEELINGS OF EMPTINESS, LONELINESS AND SORROW, AND PAINTED A
SMILE ON FOR THE PUBLIC. SHE WORE NICE CLOTHES, HAIR STAYED NEAT. SHE
EVEN WALKED WITH A HIGH SENSE OF CONFIDENCE- A WALK THAT HAD BECOME HER
TRADEMARK IN HER NEIGHBORHOOD. BUT WHEN SHE WAS ALONE PHYSICALLY, AND NO
ONE WAS LOOKING; SHE CRIED HERSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A PRAYER IN
HER HEART THAT THIS WOULD ALL BE OVER REAL SOON. WHEN THE SUN WOULD RISE
AND SHE WOULD WAKE, SHE WAS ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED.
MANY DAYS SHE'D JUST lie THERE FOR HOURS AT A TIME; NOT EVEN
ATTEMPTING TO GET UP. "WHY DO I KEEP WAKING UP?" "WHY ARE YOU
KEEPING ME HERE, CANT YOU SEE I'M SUFFERING?"
AT FIRST SHE WAS AFRAID THAT THE THOUGHTS SHE WAS HAVING WERE SINFUL AND
DOUBTLESSLY THEY WERE; BUT AS TIME WENT ON AND THE PAIN GREW STRONGER,
SHE APPRECIATED THE GIFT OF LIFE AND THE SPIRIT IT WAS GIVEN IN, BUT IT
FELT LIKE A WASTE. LIFE WITH NO LOVE, NO PASSION, NO HOPE FOR
TOMORROW… IT MAY AS WELL BE TAKEN BACK. AN EARTHLY HOPE OF LIVING
FOREVER IN A PARADISE IN A PERFECT STATE, DIDN'T SEEM SO AWE INSPIRING
ANYMORE. "IF I DON'T WANT TO LIVE NOW- LIVING FOREVER SOUNDS TOO
LONG FOR ME." WITH THE FEELING OF HELPLESSNESS PAYING HER A CONSTANT
VISIT SHE'D HAD ENOUGH.
ANY AND EVERYTHING SHE ONCE FOUND JOY IN, NOW FELT LIKE A MEANINGLESS
CHORE. SHE GREW TIRED OF EATING, WEARY TO DRINK, IT ACHED TO BREATHE,
LOST HER SONG, RAN OUT OF THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT, AND LOST INSPIRATION OF
PRETTY PICTURES TO DRAW. HER FLAME THAT ONCE BURNED SO BRIGHT HAD
FIZZLED, AND SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT- AND DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW IF THERE
WAS ANYTHING THAT COULD REIGNITE IT.
A LUMP FORMED EVERYTIME SOMEONE WOULD ASK HER HOW SHE WAS DOING.
PHYSICALLY SHE WAS IN TOP SHAPE. MENTALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY SHE WAS UNDER
DISTRESS. A CANCER HAD FORMED IN HER PHYCHE AND THERE WAS NEITHER
TREATMENT NOR SURGERY THAT COULD REMOVE IT. SHE DIED A SLOW PAINFUL
EMOTIONAL DEATH LONG BEFORE THAT OF HER PHYSICAL.
LIFE WAS LIKE BEING CURSED TO ROAM THE EARTH SOULLESS, WITH NO PURPOSE
OR DESTINATION IN MIND; AND GIVEN NO OPTIONS OR CONTROL TO CHANGE IT.
SADLY ENOUGH NO ONE PAID ENOUGH ATTENTION TO THIS BROKEN GIRL TO NOTICE
THAT SHE WAS GONE. NOW AS SHE LIES ON THE GOURNEY BEING LOADED INTO THE
BACK OF THE CORONER'S VAN, THEY ALL CRY, AND SOME SCREAM OUT IN AGONY
AT THE LOSS OF THE GIRL THEY HAD LOST A LONG TIME AGO.
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